As I lay here unable to sleep with tears streaming down my face and sick to my stomach, I wonder how will I ever explain this to my two, beautiful boys. They are only five and six years old tonight, but will grow up in an America that is filled with too much anger. How can they ever feel safe and loved? I don't feel safe tonight. I don't feel love. My heart hurts. My body is heavy with grief for the city I love. St. Louis burned tonight while the world watched.
Here I am, a 35 year old white woman who preferred to wear rose colored glasses especially when I fell in love with a black man over 15 years ago - my husband, my best friend, my protector, my rock. I believed the country had changed and that the work of Martin Luther King Jr. and those that came before and after meant something. Progress had been made. On election night, in 2008, I cried tears of joy and celebrated America's first black President as I held my newborn son in my arms. I held my son up to the TV and said, "Look, son. A man who looks just like you just became the President of the United States. You can do that, too. You can be anything you want to be." But, as I lay here tonight, over six years later with two innocent, black sons sleeping in the next room, I wonder, was I wrong? Clearly, there is still much more work to do. Tonight, I'm taking off the rose colored glasses. Tonight, I speak up for what matters.
My beautiful, amazing sons who will run this country, maybe even the world, in just a few years, what can I tell you about tonight? It started with an unarmed black teenager being killed by a white cop in our city. But, it quickly became so much bigger than that. It was a match that reignited a fire that had been smoldering as it was kicked over with the dust of white privilege for decades. It was a match that rekindled racism and exploded across the country and even the world. I knew it was there all along, but I wanted to believe otherwise for you, for us, for our family. I heard it in the voices of people I call aunt, cousin, colleague, and, even, friend. I thought maybe once they saw US and met YOU, they might see things differently. Maybe they have, but it's not enough. Not yet. Not now.
What else can I do? I wonder? To show my family, my friends, and my sons that the world can be different. Stand up to systemic injustices, speak up when others speak against my beliefs, and do not go gentle into the night. The futures of my children, our children, are at stake. This is our moment in history and we are writing it with our words and our actions. We cannot let systemic oppression and racism continue. We, all Americans, all humans, must stand peacefully together because my family and your family, my sons and your children deserve better. For them, I will no longer be silent about things that matter. This matters.
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